after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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