Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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