Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
