woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
