Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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