I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
