I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
