he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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