I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
