Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
