Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
