I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
