Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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