At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
