This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
