We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
