my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think i have two assholes
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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