i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
