Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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