Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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