he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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