Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
