Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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