my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
