I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Drake has all the answers
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
