some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
time to smoke my breakfast
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
