I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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