i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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