Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
