WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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