i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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