Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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