dude i'm inner monologue high
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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