i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im six kinds of drunk right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
