My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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