There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I deserve this hangover.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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