Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
