I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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