I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
