He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So squirting runs in the family.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
