At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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