Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
