toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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