If that was your dad, he is hot
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
