Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
