my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
