Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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