After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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