I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
