Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
