I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
