Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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