mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
