Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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