make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize