I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
NoShamevember. You game?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
