Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
