hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
