I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
