trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
