The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
