I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My life is pants optional.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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